Carrie
Age 38. Female. Straight.
Age 16
The First Person I Ever Proposed
I got down on one knee and asked him to go to my all girl’s school dance so he could be one of the three men going. After that, he ignored me in all future conversations and I watched him play video games on our first date, the next natural step was us attempting to hookup.
Age 25
The First Official Boyfriend
We broke up because he only ever wanted me to watch him do acid, and when I said I hoped for more in the relationship he said absolutely not GOODBYE. I receive regular messages from this guy and it’s been over a decade.
Age 26
The Condomless White Knight
I was at a club in the middle of nowhere in Croatia when a stranger came up to me, grabbed my neck and said “you look like sex on ice.” His friend came over and apologized, then lured me into a conversation that eventually led to his apartment. In the middle of hooking up he bragged about never using condoms. To his utter shock and disappointment, I immediately left.
Age 27
The Lone Wolf
I met him at a viking festival in rural New York. This weirdo looked like he’d hand out free puppies to people with no explanation. He wore a kilt, a leather jacket that said “lone wolf,” and told me he liked to create artwork inspired by women’s ass cracks.
Age 31
The Very First Person I Laid My Eyes Upon at a Google Christmas Party
I’ve never worked for Google; my rich and clearly bored tech friends just wanted to hoe me out to someone. And loneliness drove me to choose this humdrum wet towel of a man. Our hookup was about as sexy as a truck stop in Texas.
Age 32
Man Claims the Ability to Cum for 40 Minutes
Congratulations if this is true, I’m still not moving to Vancouver. Goodbye man I met in the alleyway of a sex club.
Disclaimer: All names and identifiable details have been modified to protect the reputions of our contributors in the eyes of their partners, colleagues, and parents.
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